


knowing is better than wondering

by sweetlyinfinite



Series: things i deserted [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers, it's mostly done actually but i had to edit it and i didnt want to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4312578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlyinfinite/pseuds/sweetlyinfinite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Harry gets a boyfriend who isn't named Louis and comes out on live television. </p><p>Harry doesn’t know a lot of things at first and neither does Louis. But then they both do, Harry before Louis, even though Louis knows a lot more before Harry. </p><p>(Or where Harry and Louis break up and Harry gets a new boyfriend who becomes abusive and Harry self-harms again.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	knowing is better than wondering

**Author's Note:**

> hi, very quickly wanted to say there is triggering content, it isn't overly graphic but involves self-harm in the form of cutting and verbal and physical abuse. 
> 
> don't read if you know you shouldn't, don't read if you think you shouldn't.

They’re yelling. Again. For the fourth time this week. And Louis is tired. He’s tired and upset and his voice is raw and cracked and his words are coming out as though he’s been a heavy smoker all his life. Louis’ throat burns along with his eyes and as he swallows he fights back a wince because he can’t wince while Harry is shouting at him or Harry will get the wrong idea and that won’t play out well, with Harry immediately pausing and saying sorry in soft murmurs and cooing Louis and cuddling him and forgetting the reason in which they’d been yelling in the first place. But Louis doesn’t want Harry to stop and baby him in the middle of a fight, because their fights usually end that way and Louis is just so _tired_.

“Why can't you, Louis? Why won’t you stop ‘dating’ Eleanor and show everyone who you are, who _we_ are? Honestly, Lou! I’m so close to being done with you I feel like crying every time you just look at her! What, do you _love_ her? Do you _want_ to kiss her? Is that it, Louis? Because I'm tired of this and if you're bloody well fucking her just tell me so I can move on!”

Louis is fuming and he forgets all about his rasping throat as he begins to shout a bit more forcefully because Harry just accused him of _cheating_. “I can't just break up with her and you fucking know that, and you know why Harry! I am _not_ a fucking _cheater_ , I am not whoring myself out to other people, I am not _fucking_ Eleanor--I'm doing it so we, as in me and you, Harry, can be together without being _hated_ or despised or _revolting_ the people that support our fucking careers! I'm with Eleanor so the boys can be fucking happy or even just bleeding successful! I love _you_ , Harry! I do! You are it for me! But the boy’s lives are more important to me than my own, and if me having to have a pretend girlfriend makes their lives better and easier, then I’d rather suffer than them!”

And at that Harry looks purely heartbroken and enraged all at the same time. “What about _us;_ what about _our_ lives?”

After he snarls that--because he does snarl his words, vicious and deadly--he walks away, going into the kitchen to grab a glass of water before heading to his room for the night.

Louis doesn’t realise it but he says, “I don’t fucking know,” and it’s whispered and broken and his heart is shattering and he does know. Knows that he got it wrong, that he should’ve said something else and he wonders if that's it. He trudges to his own bedroom and he puts on his sad playlist and doesn't cry. Louis doesn't cry, he just shuts his eyes tightly and lets his face crumple as he squeezes his hands into fists.

Long after Louis had gotten comfortable under his covers and the words ‘ _Sometimes_ _when_ _I_ _close_ _my_ _eyes_ _I_ _pretend I'm all right, but it’s never enough_ ,’ are drifting through the air, the tears begin to fall silently. Then he hears a cracked sob come from the room next to his and then another and another and one more and then a heaving breath and then nothing, Louis doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He knows.

 

A month later, the boys are in their fifth interview of the day. Louis doesn’t know who the interviewer is, what she wants, what television news show she’s from. He lost track before the first one even began and this is the last one and he just wants to get home and cry some more because it seems that Louis has an endless amount of tears to be shed.

And then the question comes and Louis knows he should try and do something other than sit there but Harry’s hand doesn’t go up with Niall’s as it usually does; it stays in his lap, playing with his other hand and the ring Louis gave him a while back but has never worn it aside from their secluded trips home.

The interviewer raises her eyebrows at Harry, obviously confused. “Harry? I thought you were single.”

He shakes his head and looks up from where he’s been staring at his jeans. He spares Louis a quick glance and then says, “Erm...well, no. Not anymore.”

“Ooh! Well, Harry, do tell us who the lucky lady is!” she says excitedly, eyes shining like stars compared to the dull shade of blue Louis’ own have turned at the prospect of having interesting and unheard before interesting material on _her_ show. And Louis takes the time Harry pauses, hesitates, to ponder if management has given him a girlfriend and Harry decided not to tell him while he didn’t have to. And he wonders if he’ll ever have a second chance with Harry.

But then Harry smiles, and it’s his massive smile with the deepest of dimples and all Louis can do is stare because he stopped wondering weeks ago and now he’s thinking about how stupid he was to let that smile go. “Boy. I have a boyfriend; his name’s Jake.” Then Harry giggles and he’s breathless and he looks so excited and nervous and then Louis realises. He realises Harry just said he’s got a boyfriend named Jake and not Louis and Louis’ eyes widen until they look just a little like the moon and he thinks about what would happen if he were to let go of his tears here.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur and Louis knows Harry fucked up quite a lot of things, but the younger boy looks so happy that he finally came out and the only thing Louis knows that night when he crawls into bed--the first time in about a week that he's at home rather than Zayn's--is that Harry is speaking really fast and hushed and joyous on the phone next door and it’s then that Louis begins to wish.

 

A day after the one that Harry announced to the world he’s bi, Louis is sitting in Liam’s living room. Louis is numb and Liam is holding his hand, telling him it's all right if he stays here for a while. He didn't do anything wrong and Louis knows that, thanks Liam, but he didn't do anything right either and for that Louis heads back home and tries to live it out with Harry.

A week and a half after that one, Louis decides he’s sick to death of seeing Jake in the mornings, his face relaxed and his hair mussed in a way that says he did more than sleep. Louis is so sick of this that he forgets all about his thoughts earlier in the week about how he didn't do anything right, except for the fleeting thought that says this is wrong, so he mutters something to Harry about not wanting to disturb his relationship with Jake anymore than he does just by being in the same room as them and grabs his duffle.

Louis hurries out the door to their flat too fast and misses Harry’s green eyes pleading, begging Louis to stay and give him a second chance. But as soon as Louis’ shut the door, Jake is calling him back with promises of a good fuck on the kitchen table now that nobody’s here to interrupt them and all Harry can think about is the time Louis whispered something similar to him on stage in the middle of his solo and how Harry blushed and stuttered over a word. Harry tells Jake no for the first time that morning, and that’s when Jake begins his downward spiral along with Harry.

 

“Good morning boys. How is the world’s most famous boy band this fine day? How’re you coming along with all that's happened recently?”

And Louis grins because he knows it’s time for him to be him again, even if he is just pretending and hiding the empty and aching him behind a facade. “We’re great, thanks! We’re dealing with everything very well, being very supportive of our young Harry, as are the majority of fans. There are a few not so lovely ones, but they were there before so that was bound to stay the same.” Louis glances behind the cameras quickly, seeing a man he always forgets the name of give him a thumbs up before Louis gives his attention back to the interviewer.

The man smiles, pleased with the answer and goes on to ask about their upcoming tour and other boring topics that they’ve answered many times before. Then he asks, “So, Louis, I know most people ask Harry about his boyfriend recently because that was massive news and such a shock—sorry Harry,” he says, shooting the youngest boy a quick grin to which Harry smiles half-heartedly back, “but quite a few fans want to know how you and Eleanor are going? We’ve not heard news from you guys in a while.”

Harry eyes Louis carefully, alongside the rest of the boys who’ve managed to squeeze themselves onto a single couch because they all know Louis doesn’t actually _like_ her like her and that they hardly ever speak so he won't be able to answer that upfront. But today, Louis doesn’t have to answer vaguely because this is another thing he knows. “El is great, actually, thanks for asking. She’s got a few weeks off of school so she and I were thinking of going on a trip to France or maybe Switzerland. El’s always wanted to go there and we thought now would be the perfect opportunity for it, seeing as the boys and I have a break before the tour starts.”

Nobody is expecting the answer; not even Eleanor who’s watching at home sipping her tea and wrapped in a blanket to protect her from the cold outside. She gives a quick, unlady-like snort before opening up her phone and going on Twitter. _#EleanorIsTheQueenOfBeards_ is trending and it sends a wave of giggles through her slender body. She tweets a quick message to Louis, something like: **@Louis_Tomlinson Babe ! Get here as soon as you can, it’s cold and I need a cuddle. Xx.**

Then she watches as the interviewer laughs at the fans reaction to the message as he was asking questions from the fans via his own Twitter and shows Louis the tweet. The smile on his face when he sees that is genuine, though he was only smiling because he knew Eleanor would be open to talking and would let him cry on her and make him tea and watch Project Runway together without him being judged.

And when not half an hour later when Louis arrives at her flat with red eyes and a red nose, she pulls him into the tightest hug she can, promising to never let him go, that’s exactly what they do.

 

“Get the fuck over here Harry! Don't make me say it again,” Jake warns and shit, Harry knows that tone. He hurries from the kitchen into the living room, carrying a hot mug of coffee for Jake and a steaming porcelain cup of tea (the way Louis likes his) for himself. As soon as Harry places it onto the coffee table Jake grabs it and sips loudly, but then he’s spitting out the burning liquid onto Harry’s old Rolling Stones T-shirt. Harry flinches at the pain but doesn’t show too much of a reaction (though this time is especially hard not to because the last time he wore this shirt Louis commented on how much he’d like to let Harry fuck him and then wear that shirt the next day as a reminder to Harry. Louis wore that shirt with pride and Harry’s still not sure how he got it back). He’s learnt to control himself over the month since he first said no and Harry knows now that he should’ve followed Louis out the door.

“That is fucking disgusting Harry. God, you’d think by now you’d at least know how to make a good cup of fucking coffee, but no.”

“I’m s-sorry,” Harry whispers, knowing what would come.

“Sorry’s not gonna cut it, love. Come on, babe, get down so I know you're sorry. Wouldn’t want a repeat of last week, would we _Hazza_?” he teases with a smirk.

Flashes of fists and football boots and screams and insults and tears allow Harry to realise that, no, he doesn’t. So Harry, good and sweet and kind and manwhore Harry, slips down onto the carpet and unbuckles Jake’s jeans. And later that night Harry will hide in the bathroom and make a hurried call to Louis who doesn’t answer because he’s too busy crying to hear it so Harry takes off his shirt and stares at the bruises littering his torso and that’s when Harry picks up the razor again.

 

It takes not even an hour of being in Harry’s presence to know he’s not okay. Louis spends all day wondering why and then he sees just as he’s leaving the studio. He sees the sleeve of their favourite sweater (yes the cream-knit sweater) slip up and Louis knows that Harry’s been cutting again. Harry notices Louis’ staring and tugs the sleeve down so he can hold it in his palm, blushing slightly and then Louis also know why he had a missed call from Harry when he’d woken up that morning. Louis remembers the promise he made Harry when he first saw Harry cutting and then he manages to be ashamed because he broke that promise by not answering the call before he’s furious.

 _“I don’t_ ever _want to see you cutting yourself again, Harry! I love you very much and so does everyone else! You're being irrational.”_

 _Harry made a frustrated sound and yelled back, “_ I _don’t love me and this isn’t irrational! It’s the only thing that makes me feel okay anymore, Louis! After all, I am just a fucking manwhore who happens to shag every woman he meets!”_

_Louis started crying and that was when his legs stopped working and allowed him fall to his knees in front of Harry. This was good, though, because now Louis took Harry’s hands and looked up at the boy looming above him, pointedly ignoring the blood that was dripping from the slice on Harry’s skin that was sliding onto his own palms. “You aren’t a manwhore, love; you're amazing. I want you to promise me Harry, that whenever you get the urge to harm yourself again, come to me. I don’t care where we are, what we’re doing, just grab onto my wrist and I'll make it go away, okay? If I'm not there call me until I answer and if I don’t call Liam or Zayn or Niall or Eleanor or my mum or management or someone and anyone who has my phone number just find me and I promise it’ll be okay and I'll make the urge go away. Okay, love? Promise me.”_

_“I—I promise,” Harry stuttered out, looking down into Louis blue, blue eyes and knowing he’d get better as long as he had Louis with him. Then he pulled his friend up and it was then they had their first kiss, desperate and full of love and unspoken wishes as Harry’s blood stained their intertwined hands._

Harry tries to hurry away from him and into his car, but Louis runs to catch him and he does, tugging Harry into his arms quickly and firmly and achingly familiar. Harry immediately wraps his arms around Louis, tears pouring from his eyes and sobs fighting their way through his body to come out his throat painfully. Cameras are flashing even faster than they were before and everyone has a view of Harry breaking down and giving up on everything but the boy whose strong arms hold him up not only then but in every aspect of their lives. And before anyone can get the two boys inside Louis pulls back a little to press a soft, loving kiss to Harry’s lips to show him that he cares about the right things now and not the wrong ones and that it doesn’t matter Harry has a boyfriend and that Louis still loves him with all his heart.

Harry gasps slightly in shock, but then sighs a sigh filled with apologies and his heart starts to throb again and the cut on his wrist seems to pulsate so he burries his curls in Louis’ warm neck and then they're being pushed back inside the studio away from prying eyes and photographers and fans and irrelevant people. And, really, that's all they ever were, all of them; irrelevant.

Because all that matters is _HarryandLouis_ and _LouisandHarry_ and the feeling that they’re both free. And suddenly, as Harry lets out a muffled whine against his tan skin, Louis realises that knowing this feeling of love and freedom and honesty is better than wondering what it would feel like if (and not when, never when) they ever revealed themselves because that was before and this is now and Louis loves Harry with all his heart. And that’s what should’ve mattered before; the fact that two young boys shared a love that was pure and rare and amazing. Louis knows that’s what matters now and that’s better than wondering if it did.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to contact me at seasideghoul.tumblr.com if you either want to chat or you want to use this? anything I post in this series is available for the taking and/or modifying if you like, just talk to me first. otherwise, thanks for getting to the end
> 
> ily


End file.
